i will go against the grain and push you.
When you praise light, i will remind you of dark.
I will push the dark upon you until you at least acknowledge you deny it.
Then its up to you, to ask in whatever form you choose, to integrate it...
When you praise the dark, i will show you light.
And i will dance in its splendor until you feel it and cannot reject it.
So long as you are, i will push against what "you" beleive it is.
And this binds me. Makes a loner of me. Is compulsive of me.

But I choose to rebell against the rebellion and endure suffering along the way, Because so far, from my experience, if that is the "price i pay" for playing a role in our being's evolution, it is one i endure with open arms.


i
Now, i can contradict every sentence i just put there, and aknowledge that maybe its not up to me to decide when someone is asking and not asking, and when to respond, with or without permission. i know i know. but if i always tracked stuff like that, i'd never have a poem. sometimes its just the flow, reflective of me or not, its just what came out.
and i know that i could be sounding fairly narcissitic right now. So be it. I'm human and have experienced beyond human. I acknowledge and live both.

i go against the grain. and it IS compulsive... sometimes.

i am working on understanding my ego better. b ut at the same time, i will take into account my born tendancy, and allow it to have a role, rather than supress it without reason to do so. (born tendancy to go against the grain... but nicely :-)  )

so yeah. i go against the grain.for lame example: I do my best to dress and act exactly where i'm at. be authentic to my mood.
it just so happens that my state of being generally disrupts the flow! i was ALWAYS too cool to be punk and too weird to be cool. stand out when its cool to blend in, and blend in when you're supposed to stand out.
i cannot help but emphasize the dark when its light and hte light when its dark!!!THIS GETS ME INTO TROUBLE WHEN I'M NOT SELF-AWARE ENOUGH TO COMMUNICATE AS SOCIALLY AWARE AS I USUALLY LIKE TO...

anyways. i could end up witnessing and proving my ability to witness my shadow, tendancies, assumptions, maps, etc... but then i would still just be living in my intellectual brain.

i get it. i could go on fo rever while reflecting on my state etc. in this moment. and IT'S VALUABLE! NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE DO IT!
but! i gotta enter into my heart chakra a little more.be pressent and self aware, but not just in my brain. (and in my brain, it is alwyas to "make better" or "more defined" or presise, which in this moment is trying to catch all my tendancies etc.)

see and i'm still doing it. and maybe ya'll are good at slowing down while talking, but in this case, i'm not.
what an assumption hey. maybe YOU. as in, u versus me. okay. im done now

so that's my frustration i think.
i think i will just always find another thing that someone should do. particularily people who are set on saying they've "got it right". (ali's shadow anybody?)

cause the struggle could go on forever, and in that struggle, so much could be learned. but ultimately, aside from that infinate play. There is the moment. and the moment beyond the moment. and then realizing we dont have to search for something deeper. just hang out and see if --

GO TO SLEEP ALI!

ps. what a waste of a good title

beauty falls skin deep
i find myself in question
    what good is depth?
          without the breath?
of anothers sweet affection?

wrote that last year when i was determined to sell t.shirts.

looking down on a post i wrote while in colorado just below, i contemplate... a child's realization of the ego... and not garenteeing that one acts for someone outside themself just because they know there is other outside themself.

on which level does the child realize "other"?
Intellectually. Probably physically first.
Process it intellectually as they are coming to realize the atonomy and relatedness....
but still.
i dont undersatnd it yet, and if others have insight, please share.
But it seems to me that until one can realize Other with their "heart chakra" , then they cannot act on behalf of someone else, just on behalf of themself, even if it benifets someone else... as a bonus.
we all survive. we procreate and we build houses and cities. neither could be sucessful without another. simply put, we need one another. So when do we act for the other, outside of us? when do we gain an ethno/world centric point of view/sense of being?
I can help you build your fence, because i know that if i help you, u will help me with my water well.

not even on such a physical level.

I can apologize to you, because I feel bad, but on one level, it is the apology and the agreement to let it go away, which makes ME feel better, and puts me at ease.
I feel better because it has been let go. or i feel better because i no longer feel responsible for your "negitive" state of being.

I am not in the most focused of mindstates right now, and i always end up in long conversations with myself on this topic. There are a few more things that i usually fight with myself about, but i dont remember. i have more qusetions and contemplationson the topic, but i guess i'll post them when i remember.

Anyone got anything to say? insight? disagreement? question?
lol
i dont know how to post things outside of blogs. anyone help me with that?
(how embarassing :P)


peacetobreathe
love ali

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lee lee lee
be be be
me me me
ta ta ta
ha ha ha
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Somewhere in this mass of wandering writings...
i wrote "you cannot transcend what you cannot differentiate" by Doug Tataryn.

He clarified something...

"you cannot transcend and INCLUDE what you cannot differentiate."

subtle, but huge.

From my Journal. March 5 or 6 2008

I lay in the presence of god and I can't help but notice all the coffee.
Children start their lives for themselves and it takes time to reinvent the world into something that's larger than the ego.
Even still. The realizeation of other doesn't mean all action is not rooted in the benifet for the Self. For example. "I'm sorry I stayed home late and it upset you because you thought i'd call". This is not yet, necissarily a world-centric (or, at least Beyond-Ego) statement. The apology may be the voice of acknowledging someone else in anohter situation other than their own, but the main instigation for the apology is still to benifet the ego. For example "I feel guilty, I hurt you. I don't like feeling guilty...<an apology will releive me of my guilt>" There, the ego is e/affected by anohter, but still is acting out of a self centered (egocentric) place.

Here in the coffee shop where the dogs walk wihtout leashes and sit on chairs as they share the computors...

"I too, am human", He said. (as i bowed my head and listened.

A child is handed a buscuit and wihtin an instant he places it in his mouth. Its a dangerous world when an object in hand is programmed to go strait into his mouth... What with our plastic beeds and sugar filled muffins.

______ brings insight, like earlier. Iam learning to realize that he sees things so far in adfance, or so far down the path that we are walking on, that we disconnect. His insight sometimes seems insulting, and it is not until more talking or thought, that we meet.  
    He must learn to trace back or retrace his stps. Link Me Now, with his insight that penetrates beyond my current scope.
<I must remember to allow his words a chance to integrate and effect my stance and perspective....>


this is from my journal a month back or two.
i read it and felt like sharing it.
I may not have all teh capitol letters right... partly becuase i dont know, partly cause i dont care and partly cause i tend to capitolize things while i type... for no reason at all.

I do not beleive everyone acts out of an egocentric place alllllll the time. i just mean the specificity of how we define and work with it must continue to be examined, as we examine and expand ourselves.

love be to you.
and love be to me.
sleep well and breathe free.

ali

I feel lost today. I have been crying like i did in grade eight, after my first real boyfriend and i broke up. a pain taht goes deeper than anything I've ever felt before, except i remember feeling it once before. We talk about fear and we notice that we tend to beleive that it will last for forever. Does the same go with sadness? The more deeply i explore my saddness, the more i find rage and blame. The more i explore my rage the more i see how sad I am. Paradox's aren't oppositional to me anymore. They make such sense that its hard for me to remember being confused by them. I am sure that i will enter into a nother process and be confused once again.
I know that in my crying's it will stop. And i remember it and i know it and it is real. then i breath or remember to feel my legs and suddenly i am overtaken by nothing but saddness again.
How will i work? How do I make it through the "real world" and expand my eternal being anyway? How do i access and deepen into states of truth (particularily difficult ones) and still function well enough to go to a job to pay for my rent and dana money?
I know that sometimes it is that very lesson in itself.... realizing that i can't deepen always hwen i want to, and feel how that feels and notice when i must repress it, i know that sometimes that is the more true lesson... particularilyl for our day in this culture.
The man that looked like my grandpa said today that one of hte only differences between a person with psychosis and not, is the persons ability to repress it appropriately. that's a loaded sentence and i suppose could be misunderstood in alot of ways... and i maybe shouldn't be posting it on the internet, but i really found it valuable today. I am often more focused on the "negitive" side of repression... having grown up in a family of therapists. But as i've been exploring for a while, that everyone survives, and repression ahppens, so it must have a good role in certain circumstances... i see that it is a way of keeping contained.... or not overhwelming the body with things it cannot quite handel. The truth of it is... is we all have the strength to go through very difficult processes, and some will take longer than others, but that we also must fucntion in society and so we must learn to manage our own experiences with that of others so we can have a balance and a point of reference.
sometimes its just hard to know if you're ahead of the game, or three levels behind.

Anwyays.

I feel sad, without a teacher. I feel a wanderer. I am an integral child. And so, i see the beauty and value of so many teachings... but with that i have also come to see the wholerarchy that follows. the pitfalls. peoples shadows leaking into teaching. I have so much experience with inner world emotions and mind that i feel like sometimes i have to humor those trying to teach me... so rarely do i feel like someone is truely showing me smoething... rather than showing me they are smart and have something to say. i see their need for recognition more than i see the point of their being recognized.

So i feel lost. unsure if i am too hard... or just haven't found the right one yet... or if there even is. I am drawn to working with children and people. i learn so much. I really value the growth i have when I am helping people... because it can bring so much light to my own shadowsides... (so long as i am willing and able to look) it allows me to bring change to my tendancies and slowly burn off my karmas.

I think i will start writing in this as a diary... i can't seem to write where i'm at in my journals... i seem to write poetry and even then i haven't written apoem i've felt good about in nearly a year.
Blessed-be, to those who stumble upon these and read it and move on. i'm not sure how these get read... if the tags show up somewhere... but i will look and see how many views they've had and see that people do view them... so. any comments or reflections,  i'mhappy to read some... otherwise i will keep writing until the inclination fades for a while.

So I just logged on and saw that I've had 44 views of that last blog... even a comment. I guess it reflected my state of mind more than anything else.

i'm gonna not TAG it... I think that'll definately affect it. O the joy of experiements

Blogs are so much more to write, when I actually beleive someone's gonna read them.