Journal I Suppose....

I feel lost today. I have been crying like i did in grade eight, after my first real boyfriend and i broke up. a pain taht goes deeper than anything I've ever felt before, except i remember feeling it once before. We talk about fear and we notice that we tend to beleive that it will last for forever. Does the same go with sadness? The more deeply i explore my saddness, the more i find rage and blame. The more i explore my rage the more i see how sad I am. Paradox's aren't oppositional to me anymore. They make such sense that its hard for me to remember being confused by them. I am sure that i will enter into a nother process and be confused once again.
I know that in my crying's it will stop. And i remember it and i know it and it is real. then i breath or remember to feel my legs and suddenly i am overtaken by nothing but saddness again.
How will i work? How do I make it through the "real world" and expand my eternal being anyway? How do i access and deepen into states of truth (particularily difficult ones) and still function well enough to go to a job to pay for my rent and dana money?
I know that sometimes it is that very lesson in itself.... realizing that i can't deepen always hwen i want to, and feel how that feels and notice when i must repress it, i know that sometimes that is the more true lesson... particularilyl for our day in this culture.
The man that looked like my grandpa said today that one of hte only differences between a person with psychosis and not, is the persons ability to repress it appropriately. that's a loaded sentence and i suppose could be misunderstood in alot of ways... and i maybe shouldn't be posting it on the internet, but i really found it valuable today. I am often more focused on the "negitive" side of repression... having grown up in a family of therapists. But as i've been exploring for a while, that everyone survives, and repression ahppens, so it must have a good role in certain circumstances... i see that it is a way of keeping contained.... or not overhwelming the body with things it cannot quite handel. The truth of it is... is we all have the strength to go through very difficult processes, and some will take longer than others, but that we also must fucntion in society and so we must learn to manage our own experiences with that of others so we can have a balance and a point of reference.
sometimes its just hard to know if you're ahead of the game, or three levels behind.

Anwyays.

I feel sad, without a teacher. I feel a wanderer. I am an integral child. And so, i see the beauty and value of so many teachings... but with that i have also come to see the wholerarchy that follows. the pitfalls. peoples shadows leaking into teaching. I have so much experience with inner world emotions and mind that i feel like sometimes i have to humor those trying to teach me... so rarely do i feel like someone is truely showing me smoething... rather than showing me they are smart and have something to say. i see their need for recognition more than i see the point of their being recognized.

So i feel lost. unsure if i am too hard... or just haven't found the right one yet... or if there even is. I am drawn to working with children and people. i learn so much. I really value the growth i have when I am helping people... because it can bring so much light to my own shadowsides... (so long as i am willing and able to look) it allows me to bring change to my tendancies and slowly burn off my karmas.

I think i will start writing in this as a diary... i can't seem to write where i'm at in my journals... i seem to write poetry and even then i haven't written apoem i've felt good about in nearly a year.
Blessed-be, to those who stumble upon these and read it and move on. i'm not sure how these get read... if the tags show up somewhere... but i will look and see how many views they've had and see that people do view them... so. any comments or reflections,  i'mhappy to read some... otherwise i will keep writing until the inclination fades for a while.